Monday, April 6, 2009

Alone in this world!!!………


Many a times in my life, in spite of being in the company of loved ones and dear ones…friends, colleagues….. felt alone… ….I find a big void in me many times from my childhood…….the horror of loneliness in me…being alone….Why amma and acchan is not heeding to my words?..my actions...my feelings…..my thoughts…my view points……Many times being displeasured by their actions.... would go into my shell…more towards studies….more towards being myself…outwardly people will title me “Reserved, calm”…but the inside me will be simmering with feeling about to be blown out into a volcanic eruption when the threshold breaks…..My life, more often than not, was only amma and acchan…brother.. left to kerala for his B.Tech…dragging from 4 to 5 and ½ yrs!!!..me struggling with my parents to go against their strictness….”.reach home by 6.00 pm”…else….”scolding for next ½ hour from acchan and amma….one following the other”….bonded to the four walls of my sweet home…me the “princess”….sounds like some exaggeration…but true….I hate myself …in not able to do what I want to do…. ….nobody to appreciate you ….you end up doing wrong thinking that you are right…..get scolding badly…scared to take the first step…not self-opinionated…always dependent..parents providing whatever before I could think off…..…do other’s think bad about me…will my “Goodie Goodie” name will get scarified…. left to oneself most of the time…..…logically trying to sense with my father ….futile efforts…”you don’t know…we know what is good for you”…. sucks….…. being self-motivated after a huge downfall…..gaining confidence….. ……kind of walk in the desert…. this desolate feeling of loneliness…...is like waiting for a bus…in the same bus-stop…..checking every ½ a second….. sitting in a place endlessly thinking about some incidence which makes you cry, makes you smile, makes you think over and over again to find some sense…. happiest moments in your life … the smiles … the tears … the kisses … the hugs …everything flashes …the pain ….naughty prangs ….the laugh… a single moment … past smiles…past tears … past memories … … existing deep within me … hurt feelings…happy feelings….passing nearby you …… the people passing nearby.. with a heavy sports bag..will he be able to carry and walk for another 10 feet....bus turning towards my direction..will it hit me...oh! oops!...just miss…..talking to you ..listening to you … … Everything is good … … forget it … come out of it …

A beautiful world of family members around … Sweet mother with great smile in her face ..calling you on the mobile the moment you think about her ….Dear hubby with all-by-yourself face towards you.. dear children with be-with-us-all-the-time face towards me…. … a good friend who moves away from you ..off to different place with different Endeavour…the pain of separation….remembering the place where we enjoyed the friendly moments….with others ..but always you in their mind … in each thing they do … they will remember your existence … office environment … …watches you what you do…... where others know the strengths and weakness better than me … hi … … Where am I??? helllooooooooooooooooooooooo……………………..

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